WhEn I aM JeAlOuS.......

Are you a jealous person? Me? Ofcourse, I am. I do not know why and I hate it when I am. But maybe being jealous is natural for me especially that I am a girl and the eldest child in our family.

Honestly, I do not want to be jealous. When I am jealous, everything about me change. My attitude changes. When I am jealous I become bad. I become hot tempered and "isnabera". Jealousy makes me silent and being silent is not me because I am a noisy person.

I believe that jealousy is a shows insecurity and distrust. I am jealous in many ways. In the family, I felt jealous when my parents give the things my other siblings asked from them while they do not do this to me when I was at their age. Jealousy enters in me when my parents compare me to my sister and brother saying that my sibling are much better than me when it comes to drawing, writing, penmanship, etc.

In school, when my teachers shows favoritism to my other classmate I end up cursing that certain classmate of mine. I spread bad things about her/him. I become impulsive, not thinking on what will be the effect of what I am doing to other people.

In a relationship with friends, jelousy is also present. I do not want my friends to befriend others. I just want them to be friends with me, just me. I know this is selfishness but I do not know how to minimize this jealousy in me, I do not know why am I like this, I do not know why I am selfish. Because of this, I end up being left behind by others, being left alone. And I hate to be alone.

In a boy to girl relationship, I am dreadfully jealous. Honestly, I have a boyfriend. That boyfriend of mine is not my classmate but we were in the same school. I will not just mention his name. Because we were not classsmates I do not know what is happening to him when we both have classes. I do not know who is he talking with or who is he with. One day, when heading to Ayala terminal, I noticed that in our conversation he is always mentioning the name of my friend which a girl and a classmate of him. He always admire this certain girl in front of me saying this girl is beautiful, kind, etcetera, etcetera. I admit that this girl is truly beautiful and pleasant. Everytime he admire this girl, I feel jealous and I feel something cutting my heart apart. I feel angry. Even if deep inside I am bursting in tears and anger I do not want to tell him or even let him to notice it because I do not want him to feel being distrusted. So what I always do is, I smile everytime he admire this girl. This admiration did not just happened for once but it repeated until I can not take the heartaches anymore, until it came to a point that I already wanted to cut the strings attached between us. I do not want to hate my bestfriend because I believe that friend are more important than guys. I seek for advices from my friends. Some told me to talk to him first and tell him what I really feel and talk about it so that things would settled. Some also said that it is better to have a break-up because what he did was wrong. He was not supposed to to do that thing especially in front of me. Because my friends' decisions were different I became confused on what will I really do. Confusions pushed me to do other things like reading books and quotations. While I was reading my quotation book I found one quote which I think hit me so much , It says: "In jealousy there is more self-love than love". In reading this I decided to just go on with our relationship and tell him that I do not want to hear him admiring other girl in front of me.

The quotation did not really changed my disposition regarding being jealous. I am still a jealous person but not to a point of hurting others.